Dr. House told me it wasn't Lupus.

Consider this my "Coming Out" moment. For those of you who don't know, I have Lupus. It's a chronic autoimmune disease in which I have an overactive immune system that attacks my good tissue instead of bad tissue by mistake. To specify, I have SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythematosus), which is the most common and severe kind of Lupus... and it sucks.

I have kidney, heart, and lung problems, hair loss, chronic fatigue, trouble thinking and memory loss, sensitivity to sunlight, pain in my muscles, joints, and chest. I also often get nauseous, headaches, dizziness
s, and have Rheynauds disease (and to top it off, one of the worse cases of Rheynauds documented in the U.S.). It gets worse if I don't get enough rest, get too stressed, or am exposed to sunlight too long. So you will see me walking around with sunglasses almost all the time. It makes me look cool, and serves a purpose.

I promise I don't expose this about myself for sympathy, I just want people to know what this disease is, and I guess in a way I hope to show that it can be handled.

But truth is, (And since I made this blog to be more honest..) I sometimes push myself too far, and try to take on too much that my body just can't handle. I feel trapped sometimes, and since there is no cure, sometimes fear  for my future. Yes, people die from this disease, but no, that's not what I am referring to. I fear of how it will affect me as a mother, further in my education, and career life. I hear stories of people who have a mom with Lupus and their memories growing up are of their mom needing to lay down, or being sick.

That terrifies me.

And the thing is, I feel so guilty of ever complaining about my disease because I know that so many others have it so much worse than I. And I try to stay positive, but another truth... I feel weak. I feel like I am in a fight with myself all the time.

My Mind vs. My Body.

Being Realistic vs. Being Hopeful

My Instinct To Fight vs. My Instinct For Flight

Yes, I have had my "Woe is me" moments. Like when I realized I missed almost all of my classes in a week, and am scared I look like I don't care. Or after I have to cancel plans with a friend because I am too nauseous and sore to stand. Here is a secret- I care about what people think of me, and I don't like to disappoint.

Well, now you know. Please ask me any question you have. I would be really happy to answer it.